Reflection and Projection

The highlights of 2017 were way outnumbered by the lowlights, but I wouldn't change it for anything. The personal growth I've made this year wouldn't have been possible without the challenging times. I've learned (and am learning) to rely on God more, people less and to cultivate my relationship with Him. I'm learning to control my anger - anger management has always been one of my big weaknesses, so it's a hard one. I'm learning to apologize when I do things that are inconsiderate, rude or straight up wrong. I had my first taste of jealousy and saw what happens when I overthink. I learned the importance of communication, of being vulnerable and of just listening to hear, not speak. I faced things I was afraid to do. I took a class by myself, which, until this year, I had never been brave enough to do... All this, just a snippet of what I'm learning...

In 2018, I want to continue growing and learning. I want to face some fears, break boxes I've put myself in and fight for what's right. I want to learn how to be empathetic. I want to be strong, physically, mentally and spiritually. I need to learn to keep calm during conflict. To cry when I need to and then press on. I'm determined to smile more through the hard times. I want to be filled with grace. My goal for 2018 is to grow.

Reasons for Not Writing

I've been too busy to write. Half true. I haven't felt like writing. That is true. There isn't anything positive to say. Half true. Writing and sharing trials and less-than positive times is hard. Fully true.

When I started this blog, I promised myself I wouldn't just share the cheery, my life is perfect posts, but posts about the hard time. About lessons I'd learn. About my personal problems. But that has become increasingly more challenging as things change here from being "my problems" to being "problems with the family or parents...". Here, I'm stuck. What is too much to share in writing? What is to vague and pointless? No one wants to read my rants. These thoughts, plus some, run through my head and so those posts remain as drafts, never to be posted and my blog goes, not forgotten, but quiet.

Anyway, Christmas sucked. Besides the fact that I spent the majority of the day on the couch throwing up or weak from being sick, it lacked the family traditions, the family togetherness and even the fact that we were celebrating Jesus' birthday. It felt fake. It felt toxic. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I even cried because we didn't make a banner to color like we have every year since we were little.

I'm hoping to be more positive for the next holiday. New Year's is our bigger celebration with presents and such, but after Christmas, I feel drained and unprepared....

The Sky

 11:30, ready to head to bed, even walking there. The twenty something steps from the house to my room. Carefully watching the slippery, ice covered wood of our porch, but once safely past that, my eyes lift to the sky. They do every night, cloudy or clear, always hoping to see the stars twinkling in the blackest of nights. The sky gives me perspective. It is full of memories, happy and not, full of tears, of laughter, of conversations with God. Some nights when I look up to cloud filled skies, I know what hides behind them. 

Last night, I grabbed a blanket and went out to the cul-de-sac. Within five freezing minutes, where my shoes were freezing to the ground and my face felt like an ice cube, I watched the sky. For the two brilliant meteors that I did see, it was worth it.  

December Painting

Was it too cold to paint? Nope. Sure the cement was cold through my pants, but the sun was actually relatively warm and the hot chai tea helped keep me toasty.

Bundled up with a killer view of the Olympic mountains and enjoying these sunny December days is my idea of a good time. It was relaxing and fun. In public, but also in nature.

I almost gave up with the idea of painting after the cap to my gray paint got stuck on. I have to have my gray. It is one of the more versatile colors and I often use it mixed with blues and greens to help get the muted colors I want. My persistence helped and I eventually got the cap off.

Sure I didn't finish my painting. I had a time pressure and other things still to do. And singing in the bunkers, even by oneself is a must. Although it is a tad more creepy to walk the dark halls with just the sound of boots hitting the cement.

Painting at the Fort

Adventured alone today. I needed the recharge time. Since I've been home, the pace has been crazy and exhausting. 

I dropped Evelyn off at school. The sunrise was stunning and made me want to wake up early and see more glorious mornings with pink skies behind snow capped mountains. I've missed those views.

The drive to Fort Casey was relaxing with the few exceptions of annoying drivers who didn't know how to read a speed limit sign *insert minor road rage and name calling here*. Hardly anyone was at the park for the first hour or so while I was there, so I wandered about taking pictures and walking the beach admiring the rocks in complete silence. Almost too quiet. I had to make myself walk the dark tunnels. I am far too used to a crowd at the fort.

Only car in the parking lot

 I thought it would be too cold for painting, but settled down atop the fort and painted away with my favorite chai tea to give it a try. I sat there a while, painting and admiring the Olympic mountains.

Basic down, just need to add the details.

Chowder on a dock in La Conner, browsing my favorite jewelry store, reading poetry and listening to music with the windows down. It was a much needed day. 

December

9 days home. Nine sets of people visited - groups, individuals and families. I thought I was doing just great as far as how short a time six weeks is. Then I laid out my schedule for the month of December...

Between holiday baking, catching up with friends, two Christmas concerts, family coming into town, other family coming into town, traveling to Canada, attending a ball and the holidays in general, it's pretty crazy!