Reflection and Projection

The highlights of 2017 were way outnumbered by the lowlights, but I wouldn't change it for anything. The personal growth I've made this year wouldn't have been possible without the challenging times. I've learned (and am learning) to rely on God more, people less and to cultivate my relationship with Him. I'm learning to control my anger - anger management has always been one of my big weaknesses, so it's a hard one. I'm learning to apologize when I do things that are inconsiderate, rude or straight up wrong. I had my first taste of jealousy and saw what happens when I overthink. I learned the importance of communication, of being vulnerable and of just listening to hear, not speak. I faced things I was afraid to do. I took a class by myself, which, until this year, I had never been brave enough to do... All this, just a snippet of what I'm learning...

In 2018, I want to continue growing and learning. I want to face some fears, break boxes I've put myself in and fight for what's right. I want to learn how to be empathetic. I want to be strong, physically, mentally and spiritually. I need to learn to keep calm during conflict. To cry when I need to and then press on. I'm determined to smile more through the hard times. I want to be filled with grace. My goal for 2018 is to grow.

Reasons for Not Writing

I've been too busy to write. Half true. I haven't felt like writing. That is true. There isn't anything positive to say. Half true. Writing and sharing trials and less-than positive times is hard. Fully true.

When I started this blog, I promised myself I wouldn't just share the cheery, my life is perfect posts, but posts about the hard time. About lessons I'd learn. About my personal problems. But that has become increasingly more challenging as things change here from being "my problems" to being "problems with the family or parents...". Here, I'm stuck. What is too much to share in writing? What is to vague and pointless? No one wants to read my rants. These thoughts, plus some, run through my head and so those posts remain as drafts, never to be posted and my blog goes, not forgotten, but quiet.

Anyway, Christmas sucked. Besides the fact that I spent the majority of the day on the couch throwing up or weak from being sick, it lacked the family traditions, the family togetherness and even the fact that we were celebrating Jesus' birthday. It felt fake. It felt toxic. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I even cried because we didn't make a banner to color like we have every year since we were little.

I'm hoping to be more positive for the next holiday. New Year's is our bigger celebration with presents and such, but after Christmas, I feel drained and unprepared....

The Sky

 11:30, ready to head to bed, even walking there. The twenty something steps from the house to my room. Carefully watching the slippery, ice covered wood of our porch, but once safely past that, my eyes lift to the sky. They do every night, cloudy or clear, always hoping to see the stars twinkling in the blackest of nights. The sky gives me perspective. It is full of memories, happy and not, full of tears, of laughter, of conversations with God. Some nights when I look up to cloud filled skies, I know what hides behind them. 

Last night, I grabbed a blanket and went out to the cul-de-sac. Within five freezing minutes, where my shoes were freezing to the ground and my face felt like an ice cube, I watched the sky. For the two brilliant meteors that I did see, it was worth it.  

Daylight Savings

Fall Daylight Savings. When you stay up too late and still wake up refreshed. When you're hungry in Church. When the day seems to last forever. When you worry because you don't know which electronics have automatically switched. When the sun sets right after nap time's over. 

The Broken Car

Today did not go as expected. Lisa and the girls left for out of town this morning and I was super excited for the weekend off- my first weekend in a month. I had plans, plans to see nature, tour an old battlefield, to get ingredients to cook with and do some shopping I needed to do....

By 11:45, I had already driven a good 45 minutes out into the middle of nowhere. Saw Fort Donelson and now, as I drove down the National Park road, the car decided to stop running properly. Within three minutes a gentleman pulled over to make sure I was safe, checked my oil and made sure I had cell reception. There was nothing else he could do. About ten minutes later, he came back. Yes, guys, came back. He told me there was a museum about a mile away. I got there with hazards on and coasting into a spot. Barely. 

From there, I called people, Dad, a mechanic friend, Samuel and Lisa. I went Back and forth with Samuel trying to figure out what was wrong with the car. I was on the landline and running back and forth between the car and the phone.

Samuel arranged for a tow truck to come get me. While I waited, I went and toured The Homeplace, an 1850s historic farm. It was truly like traveling back in time. Once I finished touring the farm, I returned to the gift shop where I bought gift shop snacks (cause that's all I could do) and sat down by the door to wait. And waited. And waited. Three hours passed. The lady in charge kindly gave me the internet password, which she wasn't supposed to do. It was awesome to get to text Samuel about stuff and get updates on where the tow truck was.  

The tow truck got there at 5:30, half hour after the museum was closed. Two ladies stuck around until the driver got there and then she made sure that I was okay before leaving. Wallace, the tow truck driver had the thickest southern/hick accent I have ever heard. Between the windows being down, the diesel truck and his accent, it made for interesting conversations on the hour long drive to the base. 

By 7pm, We had reached the gate to get on base. He pulled to the side so we could get passes, but he had a pistol on his belt. Long story short, civilians aren't allowed to bring weapons on base. Basically, his company called another company to get another tow truck out to my location. So Wallace dropped the car and left. Half and hour later, the next tow truck got there. Isaac got right on loading the Escape and I went in for a pass.

The hassle of getting a pass was crazy. Since I didn't have the insurance card, the options were to email it (which I don't get with no wifi) or have the company fax it over. Another long story, exhausted me had to go ask the driver to show the MP the insurance card that Samuel texted him. By the time that came around, the MP gave me a passenger pass and let us on. 

Dropped the car off and called a cab. Another minor bucket list item checked off. Rode in a taxi. By 8:30 I was home. 8 hours of waiting for people or driving, I was finally home. 

Was I angry about how the day had messed with my plans? No, not really. I was shockingly calm although a little annoyed and disappointed, but I didn't let it affect my day. I was surprised by how kind people out here are. I had more than five or six people check in with me. Samuel mentioned it being "the worst day ever", but it wasn't, I was able to enjoy the little things, embrace the problem, pray and be thankful for kind people. 

Even though the day was hard and kept getting worse, my attitude was positive and to me, that another little victory. Oh, and I socialized with so many strangers today...An introvert nightmare. Anyway, congrats if you made it to the end and so sorry this post is so long! 

My Hair Vs Humidity

For the past few months, my hair care routine has gotten significantly easier. While it was damp/wet I would run through a small handful of conditioner and a little frizz reducing cream. Let it air dry. Tada, great loose, fully and fun curls.

Welcome to Tennessee, humidity is twice what is is back home and at 70% humidity, my hair likes to do crazy. I'm talking less curl and WAY more frizz. Basically, my curls and humidity don't play well together.

So back to hair gel. Large amounts of it. And relearning how to style stiffer curls. Or, on weekdays, giving into the frizz and wearing headbands...

A Month of Work

So I entered the "real" work world last month. Part-time team member at JoAnn Fabrics. I love it.

Some things I've learned or moments I've had this month:

- I learned there are MANY brands of fabrics. I knew there were types, but never clued in that there were name-brand fabrics.

-I really do remember ever face from anyone who used my name.

-Learned dull scissors are from the devil. ;-)

-Never believe what you're told... There is a funny story involving a woman, a little girl and a bathroom...

-Regalia shawls are a thing and tons of people make them.

-I found a particular fabric for a woman who was near tears because she made a mistake and needed more fabric. She couldn't find it and needed to get the dress done by THAT afternoon.

-Watched 3 crazy ladies laughing their butts off while picking out fleece. Turns out they were making fleece blankets for foster kids.

-Learned that not all kids are on electronic devices... A girl confidently came up, asked for a yard of fabric

-The two ladies who had me measure out SO MANY FABRICS and then decided to purchase different ones.

-The gentleman who was snarky because he had to use the restroom. Slammed his hand down on the bell as I was literally running to grab the key for him.

-The one who asked how long it took to braid my hair (it was in a French side braid) and looked incredulous when I told him it only took 3-4 minutes.

-The older gentleman on a mission for his wife who had to call to confirm and told his wife that the lady (me) helping him was a "cute gal"

-Same gentleman who said sending a man to Joanns was like my (hypothetical) husband asking me to pick up some (insert some long words describing ammunition), to which I promptly replied that I would be fine with that as long as my "husband" took me along to shoot. He looked surprised that I knew what he was talking about....

-The couple buying material for shower scrubbies who were impressed that I had so many siblings, that so many of my siblings are in the Army and who asked if I was married or had a boyfriend. I told them I didn't. We continued to talk and just as they were leaving the woman said "I know why you don't have a boyfriend.... It's because no one is good enough for you." That was a compliment indeed!

-The lady who asked me what I thought of my job and it made her happy that I love it.

-The young man who had just as hard a time as I did in converting 60 inches to feet *facepalm* I really do know basic math....

-Tearing velvet is super satisfying, but terrifying all at once.

-The ladies who ordered yards upon yards of tulle to decorate a gazebo for a wedding in 28 days...

-The man who had so many question I practically did the shopping for him.

-I never thought I would work so much with glitter. #glitterhater It was everywhere.

-Faux fur is disgusting, makes me sneeze and feels pretty gross. Personal opinion.

-I can't count and give directions at the same time. Had to restart so many pieces of fabric because people will just talk to you and expect you to give answers immediately. -_-

-Went to purchase my first piece of fabric to make a circle skirt, couldn't find anything wide enough or that I liked in the right material. Ended up buying a sheet...

-The people who ask for opinions and actually do what you suggest.

-I get to be OCD. I spent like 20 minutes in the ribbon isle putting every single ribbon away correctly.

-Cut a boatload of fabric for my best friend's aunt. My mind was blown when she asked if I had a friend named Gracie and even more blown when she told me who she was.

-A lady I had never met a church before came up to me... I had cut fabric for her the past week...

-A lady who was making a reenacting cloak and needed it to be waterproof

-The heart-stopping moment when fabric I was just about to go and grab to put on hold for my aunt-ish, is on the cutting counter... Good thing it was her picking it up!

-Jaye told me I was doing so well and was happy I loved the work so much. She said I've picked it up way faster than the others.

-Literally walking around the store tucking fabrics cause there was NOTHING else to do.

-Asking people if I could help them find anything cause there was NOTHING else to do.

-The couple asking for stretchy denim to make rabbit guards.

So there's a bit of my work life right now. I look forward to every shift and the time seems to pass super quickly. I'm basically around beautiful things, around people who are passionate about their hobbies or creative in the way they fix things and that is super cool!

The Things I Learn- Number 2

Of course while I'm potty training her, she wants to wear a tutu. And pants. -_- Small victories, however, are worth celebrating with 1/4 pieces of Starbursts. We're making progress.... I still never thought I'd potty train someone else's kid.

The Things I Learn- Number 1

Random things I never really realized....

There is such thing as a Starburst run. Yes, it involves cravings, exhausted parents and sending the nanny (me) to the store. Shoes on, cash in hand, I made the two mile drive to the store just for two bags of Starbursts.

It was worth it. That is all, folks.