Summer Conflicts

I sat on the couch sifting through websites with bulk recipes and Pinterest ideas for breakfasts for a crowd. Some much needed planning for a possible activity this summer. How crazy am I? It's only February and already I have conflicting summer camps. I'm in another pickle. It seems to happen semi-frequently, this fight to decide which activity and sibling to support. Or do I pick the one that seems most fun for me... The dilemma of choosing - I don't get to wait and choose closer to the time, no, they want responses now.

I'm torn. Between being the director of food services in a field kitchen for a week or being a training officer. I've done both. One's close to home, the other's not. Both are physically taxing and I'm guaranteed to get very little sleep and have sore feet but a lot of satisfaction.  Ah, the next few days will be lists of pros vs. cons for both activities as I try to decide which one to support. I find it irksome that these two camps hosted by the same program are in the same week. Had they been back to back, I would have been exhausted, but participated in both.

Respect for Motherhood

I honestly don't know how moms do it and this week has made me respect motherhood so much more. I was sitting on the stairs, the baby crying... Okay, screaming.... in her crib upstairs too stubborn to sleep, even though she was exhausted. I was beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed.

A pile of laundry on the stairs waiting for me to take it up. Toys scatter across the hall and throughout the living room. The dishes barely done before lunch dishes begin to pile up. A partially eaten banana, an open applesauce, the remains of her morning bottle sit on the table above the thrown fruit pieces and puffs on the floor... Oh, and there's food on my shirt that Elena spit back out....

How do they do it all? How do mothers do it? I don't have to put on laundry, give baths or put them to sleep at night or a multitude of other things (birth included). My job is infinitely easier than being a mom. So to all mother's out there: props to you and keep up the hard work, I believe you are doing the hardest job in the world. You're an inspiration.

Remember

Remember the many voices of young and old singing praises to God in the warm summer evenings?
Remember the hours spent late at night searching the clouds for the twinkling of stars?
Remember the serious conversations squeezed between mid-afternoon activites.
Remember the tears when the end of the week came and we had to part.
Remember the lessons we learned.
Oh, these were some of my very favorite days. <3

Routines and Habits

One of my goals for 2018 is to make good routines and habits. Real, lasting ones.

The last couple years I've spent a lot of time on social media or watching dumb videos on Youtube. I stopped reading and writing. Last year, I became so busy with life that I didn't spend as much time watching things, but still found a way of wasting my remaining time on social media.

I'm forming habits of making my bed right when I leave it, keeping my clothes more organized and tidying my room daily. By washing my face more before bed and taking a few minutes to look out of my bedroom window to the sky....

We're just 27 days into the year, but already I've seen some progress. I've started writing again. I've taken time to do more push ups and created a push up goal. I've faithfully written in my journal every day, which literally has never happened for more than two or so weeks in the past. I've started a devotion book. I now have a reading list. I only have six titles on it, mostly non-fiction, which is new to me. But I'd love your book suggestions!

Anyway, routines and habits are happy to me. I like seeing progress. The pages of a book being turned over or pages of a notebook filled with scribbles of day to day life. 

Introvert vs. Volleyball

So Facebook recently showed an event I found interesting. Adult co-ed volleyball at a local community center. Basically for $5, I could play over 1-2 hours of volleyball twice a week until I come home. Tonight, I was free for the first time. But I was scared. Almost too scared to go. I talked myself into the idea of not going. I was worried the group would be overly competitive and I would make an idiot of myself. I do desperately need to work on my front plays. I was worried I would be super rusty from not playing for five months... Worried that it would be awkward going alone. Worried that I wouldn't be in good enough shape to keep up with the game....

I knew I would rationalize not going. I've been pushing myself lately. Do new things. Meet new people. Break boxes and facing fears (no matter how small)  has been something I've been working on for a little over a year. So I went. Driving and praying. By myself. To a place I've never been to before. With strangers.

I had fun. Turns out, I was the second best player on the court (not to toot my own horn). It was low key, non-competitive and everyone had fun. It was still a good practice and workout, but nothing compared to the high speed summer games I'm used to. I hope that my work schedule allows for me to go a few more times over the new few months....

I'm Not Okay Now, But I will Be...

Me: I really am okay.
Friends: No you're not....
Me: I mean I will be okay. I'm not okay now, but I will be.
Friends: I know you will.

This conversation is one I've had probably five or six times in the last week. And I will find ways to cope with what's going on. I may be a wreck right now or when I talk about it, but I am learning. To control my anger. To watch my words. To not let people put the blame on me. To never give up my mama bear instincts.  To turn to God. To keep loving, even if respect or trust is gone.  I am finding things to be thankful for in every day. I'm determined not to let situations destroy my life. I am finding ways to cope. So, I'm not okay now, but I will be. I really will.

New Year's Day

Well, New Year's Day could have been better, yet it also could have been worse. In our family, New Year's Day is celebrated with gifts and family time, food and more food. Much like other people's Christmas traditions.

I was up first. I usually am. Not just because of the gifts waiting in the living room. The gifts this year were simplified, but still, I was excited. I poured a lot of time and energy into researching awesome gifts for the family. Nope, I have a hard time sleeping past 8:30... Anyway, I enjoy the sweet morning time before everyone gets up. But yesterday was different. A note sat waiting on the kitchen counter. No greeting or closing. Cold. A note saying she would be gone for a few days. Tears from me. Angry, hurting tears. 

She wasn't going to try being with the family. It was frustrating and selfish. Logistically, the pressure of making dinner now fell completely on me to oversee and cook instead of just cooking and sharing the responsibility for the meal. The responsibility to give the gifts to people and to explain gifts also fell to me.

After a good cry and talking to Rose, we turned the day around. We gave gifts, we cooked and played. We still are a family, no matter what. We made an AMAZING meal. We had fun and didn't let what's going of affect our day.

Rose and I drove the Little Fuji Family to the airport that night, but it wasn't a sad goodbye, I see them again in six days. 

Reflection and Projection

The highlights of 2017 were way outnumbered by the lowlights, but I wouldn't change it for anything. The personal growth I've made this year wouldn't have been possible without the challenging times. I've learned (and am learning) to rely on God more, people less and to cultivate my relationship with Him. I'm learning to control my anger - anger management has always been one of my big weaknesses, so it's a hard one. I'm learning to apologize when I do things that are inconsiderate, rude or straight up wrong. I had my first taste of jealousy and saw what happens when I overthink. I learned the importance of communication, of being vulnerable and of just listening to hear, not speak. I faced things I was afraid to do. I took a class by myself, which, until this year, I had never been brave enough to do... All this, just a snippet of what I'm learning...

In 2018, I want to continue growing and learning. I want to face some fears, break boxes I've put myself in and fight for what's right. I want to learn how to be empathetic. I want to be strong, physically, mentally and spiritually. I need to learn to keep calm during conflict. To cry when I need to and then press on. I'm determined to smile more through the hard times. I want to be filled with grace. My goal for 2018 is to grow.

Reasons for Not Writing

I've been too busy to write. Half true. I haven't felt like writing. That is true. There isn't anything positive to say. Half true. Writing and sharing trials and less-than positive times is hard. Fully true.

When I started this blog, I promised myself I wouldn't just share the cheery, my life is perfect posts, but posts about the hard time. About lessons I'd learn. About my personal problems. But that has become increasingly more challenging as things change here from being "my problems" to being "problems with the family or parents...". Here, I'm stuck. What is too much to share in writing? What is to vague and pointless? No one wants to read my rants. These thoughts, plus some, run through my head and so those posts remain as drafts, never to be posted and my blog goes, not forgotten, but quiet.

Anyway, Christmas sucked. Besides the fact that I spent the majority of the day on the couch throwing up or weak from being sick, it lacked the family traditions, the family togetherness and even the fact that we were celebrating Jesus' birthday. It felt fake. It felt toxic. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I even cried because we didn't make a banner to color like we have every year since we were little.

I'm hoping to be more positive for the next holiday. New Year's is our bigger celebration with presents and such, but after Christmas, I feel drained and unprepared....

Late Thankfulness

This Thanksgiving was like no other. Family issues kinda distracted from the gratitude part of the holiday. I felt like between being exhausted and trying to figure out the family again, I forgot to think an awful lot about gratitude. 

A small list of the things I'm thankful for:

This year, I'm thankful for the trials, they've made me stronger, made me run to the Lord and build my relationship with him. While it has been hard with many tears and anger, it has been so very sweet and for that I am thankful. 

I'm thankful for the close bond of siblings. It has been refreshing to talk with them daily while away through text and Skype. And now at home, catching up even more. I'm thankful for my Little Fuji Family and how special my time with them is. For how Lisa has become such a wonderful friend and sister. 

I'm thankful for friends who stick with you through thick and thin. For the Facetime calls and late night texts. For the dumb jokes that make me choke with laughter. 

I'm thankful for paints and colors. Tastebuds. Clean, delicious water. The ability to take pictures. Smiles and kindness. I'm thankful for this life and the beautiful mess that it is. 

A First

Today, after sending out an email yesterday in regards to an open house I'm helping with, I was asked to make a flier to help advertise. At first I was a little frustrated. I have a full time job, plus packing to leave and then flying in right before the holiday. It felt impossible to be able to create this product before I left.

I have never made a poster or flier before, so this was completely new to me. After looking up some of other fliers for the same program, I had a good idea of what NOT to do. After talking with my sister and then getting completely frustrated over my old version of Word, I borrowed Lisa's computer and used publisher for the first time. It was a great learning experience and I'm eager to work again on that software, but perhaps on my own computer, or at least with a wireless mouse...

Anyway, here's my first ever flier. I'm thrilled that I got it done today, that four of MY pictures are on there and that it's my first one ever. I think it turned out pretty well, although it certainly took me long  enough to make.

Also, cozy fires, cello music and ice cream help the work go by faster.

P.s. If you want to learn more about CAP and what we do... We're having an open house. ;-) *shameless advertising attempt*

Childlike Excitement

One week. In exactly one week, I will be home. Hugging my family. Hugging Ian, who I haven't seen in nearly half a year. I feel like a child this year in anticipation for the holiday season, even though there are parts I'm dreading. I can't wait to make paper snowflakes, listen to Christmas music and wear fuzzy socks. I can't wait for late nights with siblings, seeing friends and making delicious food. 

I'm so excited that I started sorting through the things I have here. The clothes that are necessary to take home, the clothes that I'm tired of. The ones from the summer days that need to be replaced for winter days... I set aside art work that I've completed and want to show the family, books I've finished, my 2017 journal, which will soon be replaced with my 2018 journal. I have to set aside my camera and paints, because both of those are needed for my month at home. 

But not all my things come home. No, this room here in Tennessee will be tidy and relatively bare until I return in January for another couple months. 

Little Victory

Yesterday, I resisted ALL the excuses I could think of and worked out. Yesterday, I jogged my first ever half mile. I'm half way to my goal. I'm pretty excited! 

Each day I'm pushing myself closer to my goals. I guess those motivational videos I watch while jogging are actually motivational after all! 

Daylight Savings

Fall Daylight Savings. When you stay up too late and still wake up refreshed. When you're hungry in Church. When the day seems to last forever. When you worry because you don't know which electronics have automatically switched. When the sun sets right after nap time's over. 

Living Life

The last week or so I found myself counting down days until I go home, days before the weekend and even hours before Lisa got home. This time out in Tennessee has been challenging, it's been super hard emotionally and harder with the girls than I anticipated.

Don't get me wrong, there have been tons of amazing parts and sweet moments with the nieces that none of their other aunts get with them.  I know I am right where I'm supposed to be right now. Anyway, I don't want to think about my future and not live the life I have now. I want to cherish each little moment, each battle over naps or cleaning up and each snuggle and adventure.

So live this moment to its fullest. Take time to appreciate the wonderful times and time to reflect and learn from the challenging ones.

Recharge

Old Navy Items returned. Window shopping complete. My style in progress. Chocolate acquired. What next? Coffee.

I rarely drink coffee. When I do, it's sweet coffee. I have yet to appreciate black coffee or the daily cup that so many people enjoy. Getsome Coffee here in Tennessee is a comfortable place, classical music playing not too loudly, cozy lighting, beautiful smells. That in combination with relatively inexpensive coffee and different flavored coffees make it a true treat. Black Forest mocha, dark, chocolaty with a hint of raspberry and topped with whipped cream.

Today, I appreciated Getsome's lack of free internet. It made for no distractions and for a truly enjoyable hour writing a letter I've been meaning to write for a few weeks now. After writing until my hand hurt (it's a long letter), I indulged in the first little bit of Wives and Daughter....

I got home just as the rest of my Little Fuji Family headed out to door to do some errands. That's when the coffee kicked in. Within 17 minutes, I had done all the dishes (a day's worth), cleaned the counters and stove and tidied the living room. Energy much?

Anyway, ending the day with pulling together all the pictures I've ever taken (that are edited) of Elsa and Elena (so 4 years worth) so I can give the originals to Samuel and Lisa. Today was a true recharge and I feel ready for another week.

Grace vs. the Girls

I think today may have been the hardest day since I've been here. I tend to be a busy person, so when the highlight/outting for the day is going for a super slow walk around the block, I get a little antsy.

Elsa and I had a rough day. She didn't do a great job of listening and would run away from me while talking. She also fell from the bar stool while Elena was in the front pack napping and hit her head and her chin (double whammy, back of the head and chin...). She was crying and panicking over that and had to use the bathroom at the same time. I was trying to keep Elena and Elsa to both calm down. It was a bit of an adventure... Elena's nap was cut short and Elsa was crying... I don't know how moms do it.

Needless to say, nap time was early and lasted a long time. It was a good break where I was able to kinda recharge and try and refocus my attention and goals as far as working with the girls. I think I might need to leave all electronics upstairs and read (both my books and Elsa's books) and play more actively with Elsa. It'll be good to spend less time on social media and reading has far more benefits! The after nap time was WWWAAAAYYY better.

This evening was quiet, Lisa and I talked a lot, I got some work done, including getting a passport interview set up... It was relaxing. To finish up the day, I painted and listened to music.

How Deep the Father's Love for Us

The Church I go to here in Tennessee doesn't use instruments with their worship. At first it made me self-conscious of my voice, but there is a certain sweetness to actually hearing the voices of a congregation and not just of the "worship team" singing praises to God. I knew, but now it's sinking in even more that is doesn't matter what you sounds like, it is about God and worshiping him. Today, Jesus Loves Me was one of the songs we sang and to see Elsa belting out two out of three verses word for word made my heart happy. 

This song was a wonderful reminder of how loved I am. No. Matter. What. 

How deep the Father's love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss

The Father turns His face away

As wounds which mar the Chosen One

Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon a cross

My sin upon His shoulders

Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice

Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from his reward?

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom

A Good Day

I woke up to rain. Beautiful, thick, gloomy rain. It made me so unreasonably happy. It felt normal, looked lovely and reminded me of home. 

Today was a combination of lovely and really challenging. After Church, we went out for Indian food. The bold flavors and textures make such a unique cuisine and make me jealous because I don't know how to cook Indian food.... Yet... 

Challenging came next. A seemingly hopeless situation from far away. I know there is nothing I can really do, but it's sad when you lose respect for someone who you should always respect. I still don't know what to do in that situation, so for now... I'll pray. 

After that, I sat down to start a traffic safety course. I really don't want to talk about WHY I have to take this course. Ahem, speeding ticket while going 26 MPH... 'nough said.... I had planned to take it today because I had the time off from watching the girls and could focus 100% of my mind to this 4+ hour course. The dumb course had expired and the office was closed for the day. 

Anyway, these "hard" things happened right before a lovely Facebook video chat with Ian, Jane, Mitchell and Kara. And brownies. Plus happy babies. And episodes of Chuck. And a game of Wizard that I got absolutely demolished at... 

I'm learning that even when things make me angry, that stewing in that anger or ruining a day by being mad won't solve anything, but will take away my ability to see the good things that happen. I'm learning (and have a feeling I'll be learning for a while), when I worry, even for a second or two, I should change that worry into prayer. And that's why today was a good day. 

 

Thoughts and Feelings

I've been in Tennessee for twenty-seven days and I thought by now, the homesickness would have faded. I'm in a good routine here with the girls now and while I know I'm doing good work and a lot of work, I feel like I'm doing the same thing with no variance. Routine, right? Well, I'm not doing enough to inspire or push myself like I do in Washington.

That with the addition of feeling very lonely is not exactly my favorite combination. I feel out of touch with people, like there are only so many topics you can cover through text and only so few real emotions and social cues you can pick up on in texts. Am I right? Or is that just another weird me thing.

This lack of socializing has also thrown me back into some of my anxieties and insecurities in that area. Ones that I have to face with prayer. Prayer that my brain doesn't over analyze things or trick me into believing something that isn't true.