Rain

Rain: somewhat of a rarity in comparison to Washington. The rain is coming down outside. I can hear the drops hit the window to slide down. It is a glorious sound. I'm lying in bed, thankful for the roof above me. Clean sheets and warm blankets. Fully content with life right now.

Ordinary

Yesterday, I made myself a cup of coffee. I turned on my Thumbprint station on Pandora and got to cleaning. It felt good to clean. Sometimes I feel overly lazy. It was one of those days however, that I stayed in my pajamas until the evening... Can't have it all. :-P

I went out last night to play volleyball. Driving through the snow/rain that had been falling for a few hours and was starting to accumulate. Turns out they only do volleyball on Tuesdays and hadn't updated their Facebook. Fine by me. I needed to stop off and get watercolor paper anyway. Still a bit of socializing and being in the busyness of Walmart made my cabin fever cease up a bit.

Today was a half day, strange, but nice after the week. I'm working a minimum of 11 hour days in combination with staying up way to late because of the time change and that's the only way to really get to chat with people. So no wonder I'm a bit tired.

Anyway, glad it's the weekend. It should be fun. It's been fun already, drawing with Elsa, painting the afternoon away while watching a movie. Looking at retro style clothes and wishing I could buy them. Writing and reading... Fabric shopping and then dinner with Lisa and the girls. Leadership, training and personality type conversation with Lisa, which was fascinating. Strangely, it made me want to take leadership classes...

Routines and Habits

One of my goals for 2018 is to make good routines and habits. Real, lasting ones.

The last couple years I've spent a lot of time on social media or watching dumb videos on Youtube. I stopped reading and writing. Last year, I became so busy with life that I didn't spend as much time watching things, but still found a way of wasting my remaining time on social media.

I'm forming habits of making my bed right when I leave it, keeping my clothes more organized and tidying my room daily. By washing my face more before bed and taking a few minutes to look out of my bedroom window to the sky....

We're just 27 days into the year, but already I've seen some progress. I've started writing again. I've taken time to do more push ups and created a push up goal. I've faithfully written in my journal every day, which literally has never happened for more than two or so weeks in the past. I've started a devotion book. I now have a reading list. I only have six titles on it, mostly non-fiction, which is new to me. But I'd love your book suggestions!

Anyway, routines and habits are happy to me. I like seeing progress. The pages of a book being turned over or pages of a notebook filled with scribbles of day to day life. 

WA -> OK -> TN

In November, I offered to fly into Oklahoma to travel with Lisa and the girls up to Tennessee. I wasn't sure if she'd take me up on my offer, but the next week, I had a ticket flying me to Lawton, OK....

Yesterday, I left for the airport at 9am with Dad. Security was a breeze. I didn't have to take off my shoes or remove my laptop from my backpack. Medal detectors instead of the full body scanners. It was fast, although I felt remarkably like one of the mice mindlessly running the course to get to the end...

Anyway, the first flight was fine. I watched a movie and actually chatted with the guy next to me. We were both interested in leadership, so it was an easy conversation. Ahem, introvert... and breaking boxes! :-D :-P

The second flight from Dallas/Fort Worth was delayed, changed gates three times and had me exhausted. They had overbooked, so they wouldn't assign seats until AFTER people had volunteered to fly out the following morning... Finally got to Oklahoma, the tiniest airport I'd ever seen. Family was waiting, so hung out and then slept. 

6am. Wake up and pack the 4Runner. 7:30, Lisa started driving. 9:00 I took over driving. Drive. Drive. Drive. Hours later, at noon-ish, we stopped to gas up and grab food. My day? Something like this: 

Driving. Baby screaming. Baby sleeping. Continuing to drive. Getting sleepy. Baby screaming... Repeat. For 11 hours. 

Pulling up to the Tennessee house at 7pm, I felt relief. We were home. We were home safely. Home. I'm so content to be here. 

What states did we travel through? Up through Oklahoma, through Missouri, took literally a ridiculous 5-7 minute drive through Illinois to get to Kentucky. Then over and town to Tennessee... 

From the picture below, we started out on this weird, 2 lane highway. It was getting dark and there was a lot of fog. It seemed not super well traveled, although I had two semis in front of me. Then all of a sudden we turned this sharp corner and went over this massive, pretty narrow bridge. In the fog, it felt a little queasy in my opinion... The Mississippi River and that took us up onto that little bit of land between that river and the Ohio River. Second bridge and we were into Kentucky. What a crazy bit to the drive. 

Reflection and Projection

The highlights of 2017 were way outnumbered by the lowlights, but I wouldn't change it for anything. The personal growth I've made this year wouldn't have been possible without the challenging times. I've learned (and am learning) to rely on God more, people less and to cultivate my relationship with Him. I'm learning to control my anger - anger management has always been one of my big weaknesses, so it's a hard one. I'm learning to apologize when I do things that are inconsiderate, rude or straight up wrong. I had my first taste of jealousy and saw what happens when I overthink. I learned the importance of communication, of being vulnerable and of just listening to hear, not speak. I faced things I was afraid to do. I took a class by myself, which, until this year, I had never been brave enough to do... All this, just a snippet of what I'm learning...

In 2018, I want to continue growing and learning. I want to face some fears, break boxes I've put myself in and fight for what's right. I want to learn how to be empathetic. I want to be strong, physically, mentally and spiritually. I need to learn to keep calm during conflict. To cry when I need to and then press on. I'm determined to smile more through the hard times. I want to be filled with grace. My goal for 2018 is to grow.

Reasons for Not Writing

I've been too busy to write. Half true. I haven't felt like writing. That is true. There isn't anything positive to say. Half true. Writing and sharing trials and less-than positive times is hard. Fully true.

When I started this blog, I promised myself I wouldn't just share the cheery, my life is perfect posts, but posts about the hard time. About lessons I'd learn. About my personal problems. But that has become increasingly more challenging as things change here from being "my problems" to being "problems with the family or parents...". Here, I'm stuck. What is too much to share in writing? What is to vague and pointless? No one wants to read my rants. These thoughts, plus some, run through my head and so those posts remain as drafts, never to be posted and my blog goes, not forgotten, but quiet.

Anyway, Christmas sucked. Besides the fact that I spent the majority of the day on the couch throwing up or weak from being sick, it lacked the family traditions, the family togetherness and even the fact that we were celebrating Jesus' birthday. It felt fake. It felt toxic. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I even cried because we didn't make a banner to color like we have every year since we were little.

I'm hoping to be more positive for the next holiday. New Year's is our bigger celebration with presents and such, but after Christmas, I feel drained and unprepared....

The Sky

 11:30, ready to head to bed, even walking there. The twenty something steps from the house to my room. Carefully watching the slippery, ice covered wood of our porch, but once safely past that, my eyes lift to the sky. They do every night, cloudy or clear, always hoping to see the stars twinkling in the blackest of nights. The sky gives me perspective. It is full of memories, happy and not, full of tears, of laughter, of conversations with God. Some nights when I look up to cloud filled skies, I know what hides behind them. 

Last night, I grabbed a blanket and went out to the cul-de-sac. Within five freezing minutes, where my shoes were freezing to the ground and my face felt like an ice cube, I watched the sky. For the two brilliant meteors that I did see, it was worth it.  

Painting at the Fort

Adventured alone today. I needed the recharge time. Since I've been home, the pace has been crazy and exhausting. 

I dropped Evelyn off at school. The sunrise was stunning and made me want to wake up early and see more glorious mornings with pink skies behind snow capped mountains. I've missed those views.

The drive to Fort Casey was relaxing with the few exceptions of annoying drivers who didn't know how to read a speed limit sign *insert minor road rage and name calling here*. Hardly anyone was at the park for the first hour or so while I was there, so I wandered about taking pictures and walking the beach admiring the rocks in complete silence. Almost too quiet. I had to make myself walk the dark tunnels. I am far too used to a crowd at the fort.

Only car in the parking lot

 I thought it would be too cold for painting, but settled down atop the fort and painted away with my favorite chai tea to give it a try. I sat there a while, painting and admiring the Olympic mountains.

Basic down, just need to add the details.

Chowder on a dock in La Conner, browsing my favorite jewelry store, reading poetry and listening to music with the windows down. It was a much needed day. 

December

9 days home. Nine sets of people visited - groups, individuals and families. I thought I was doing just great as far as how short a time six weeks is. Then I laid out my schedule for the month of December...

Between holiday baking, catching up with friends, two Christmas concerts, family coming into town, other family coming into town, traveling to Canada, attending a ball and the holidays in general, it's pretty crazy!

Recharge

Old Navy Items returned. Window shopping complete. My style in progress. Chocolate acquired. What next? Coffee.

I rarely drink coffee. When I do, it's sweet coffee. I have yet to appreciate black coffee or the daily cup that so many people enjoy. Getsome Coffee here in Tennessee is a comfortable place, classical music playing not too loudly, cozy lighting, beautiful smells. That in combination with relatively inexpensive coffee and different flavored coffees make it a true treat. Black Forest mocha, dark, chocolaty with a hint of raspberry and topped with whipped cream.

Today, I appreciated Getsome's lack of free internet. It made for no distractions and for a truly enjoyable hour writing a letter I've been meaning to write for a few weeks now. After writing until my hand hurt (it's a long letter), I indulged in the first little bit of Wives and Daughter....

I got home just as the rest of my Little Fuji Family headed out to door to do some errands. That's when the coffee kicked in. Within 17 minutes, I had done all the dishes (a day's worth), cleaned the counters and stove and tidied the living room. Energy much?

Anyway, ending the day with pulling together all the pictures I've ever taken (that are edited) of Elsa and Elena (so 4 years worth) so I can give the originals to Samuel and Lisa. Today was a true recharge and I feel ready for another week.

Saturday Deals

I almost named this post Saturdeals, but that was just toooooooooo bad. So, what can I say, except you're welcome...

Slept in. Woke up refreshed. Ate leftover cheesecake and yogurt for breakfast, because why not. Also, Chris' Outrageous Cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory is hands down the best over-the-top cheesecake ever.

The weather is one of my favorites, overcast, slightly warm with a breeze. There's a storm rolling in, so I'm excited. Hopefully it means thunder. Oh, and ridiculous amounts of rain. Northwest girl here, am I right? Anyway, I spent the afternoon running errands and leisurely walking through the mall. I rarely do the mall, if I do, it's always super fast. This time, I had several things I was looking for and willing to pay (kinda) for.

Top of the list? Plaid shirts. Because last season I tried a traditional buffalo plaid on and then decided not to buy it. I regretted it literally all year. Plus, they were 40% off, so that's a pretty decent deal in my books.

I got a beautiful green shirt for $2.25 at a thrift store here. It's going to be a sweet addition to my wardrobe. I have been so into the color green, that I usually just skip that color while shopping, otherwise I will buy EVERYTHING that color.

It was a nice, relaxing afternoon, a change of pace from the usual days around here and nice to get some of the things off my list that have been on there for ages. The day ended with delicious salmon, card games with the Little Fuji Family and a couple episodes of Chuck.

Thoughts and Feelings

I've been in Tennessee for twenty-seven days and I thought by now, the homesickness would have faded. I'm in a good routine here with the girls now and while I know I'm doing good work and a lot of work, I feel like I'm doing the same thing with no variance. Routine, right? Well, I'm not doing enough to inspire or push myself like I do in Washington.

That with the addition of feeling very lonely is not exactly my favorite combination. I feel out of touch with people, like there are only so many topics you can cover through text and only so few real emotions and social cues you can pick up on in texts. Am I right? Or is that just another weird me thing.

This lack of socializing has also thrown me back into some of my anxieties and insecurities in that area. Ones that I have to face with prayer. Prayer that my brain doesn't over analyze things or trick me into believing something that isn't true.

The Broken Car

Today did not go as expected. Lisa and the girls left for out of town this morning and I was super excited for the weekend off- my first weekend in a month. I had plans, plans to see nature, tour an old battlefield, to get ingredients to cook with and do some shopping I needed to do....

By 11:45, I had already driven a good 45 minutes out into the middle of nowhere. Saw Fort Donelson and now, as I drove down the National Park road, the car decided to stop running properly. Within three minutes a gentleman pulled over to make sure I was safe, checked my oil and made sure I had cell reception. There was nothing else he could do. About ten minutes later, he came back. Yes, guys, came back. He told me there was a museum about a mile away. I got there with hazards on and coasting into a spot. Barely. 

From there, I called people, Dad, a mechanic friend, Samuel and Lisa. I went Back and forth with Samuel trying to figure out what was wrong with the car. I was on the landline and running back and forth between the car and the phone.

Samuel arranged for a tow truck to come get me. While I waited, I went and toured The Homeplace, an 1850s historic farm. It was truly like traveling back in time. Once I finished touring the farm, I returned to the gift shop where I bought gift shop snacks (cause that's all I could do) and sat down by the door to wait. And waited. And waited. Three hours passed. The lady in charge kindly gave me the internet password, which she wasn't supposed to do. It was awesome to get to text Samuel about stuff and get updates on where the tow truck was.  

The tow truck got there at 5:30, half hour after the museum was closed. Two ladies stuck around until the driver got there and then she made sure that I was okay before leaving. Wallace, the tow truck driver had the thickest southern/hick accent I have ever heard. Between the windows being down, the diesel truck and his accent, it made for interesting conversations on the hour long drive to the base. 

By 7pm, We had reached the gate to get on base. He pulled to the side so we could get passes, but he had a pistol on his belt. Long story short, civilians aren't allowed to bring weapons on base. Basically, his company called another company to get another tow truck out to my location. So Wallace dropped the car and left. Half and hour later, the next tow truck got there. Isaac got right on loading the Escape and I went in for a pass.

The hassle of getting a pass was crazy. Since I didn't have the insurance card, the options were to email it (which I don't get with no wifi) or have the company fax it over. Another long story, exhausted me had to go ask the driver to show the MP the insurance card that Samuel texted him. By the time that came around, the MP gave me a passenger pass and let us on. 

Dropped the car off and called a cab. Another minor bucket list item checked off. Rode in a taxi. By 8:30 I was home. 8 hours of waiting for people or driving, I was finally home. 

Was I angry about how the day had messed with my plans? No, not really. I was shockingly calm although a little annoyed and disappointed, but I didn't let it affect my day. I was surprised by how kind people out here are. I had more than five or six people check in with me. Samuel mentioned it being "the worst day ever", but it wasn't, I was able to enjoy the little things, embrace the problem, pray and be thankful for kind people. 

Even though the day was hard and kept getting worse, my attitude was positive and to me, that another little victory. Oh, and I socialized with so many strangers today...An introvert nightmare. Anyway, congrats if you made it to the end and so sorry this post is so long! 

8,765 Days

That's how long I've been breathing on this earth. A few months ago seeing that number would make me feel old, like I was behind schedule in life, that I should be better than I am. Not now. I am where I'm supposed to be, picking away at the life God's given me, cherishing little moments, working through hard ones and constantly clinging to Him through it all. Now I look at that number and think of all the wonderful things I can remember, the good, the bad and everything in between.

Twenty-three was a hard year. There were family issues, friendship issues, personal issues and so many changes (which I'm not great at). I have never cried so much that I didn't have tears, never driven so many miles to clear my head, never talked to people I barely know about my intimate problems. Yet amid these trials, I found peace. I found growth which I was longing for. I became closer to God. So as much as this time was really challenging, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

My hope is that being twenty-four would:
~bring more challenges and chances to grow
~help me face my fears
~draw me closer to the Lord
~bring more adventures and travels
~bring more forgiveness, empathy and laughter
~bring clarity for career choices and my future
~bring more star gazing nights
~be a strong year for friendships
~give me more chances to check things off my bucket list
~bring peace

Sunday and Transitions

Today was backwards from my normal Sunday schedules. Washington Sundays consist of Church, lunch with friends, volleyball or game nights, or hangouts with friends. Tennessee Sundays are quiet days with Church, preparations for the week, long naps, then dinner, conversations and getting ready to face the work week. Both are so different, but both are sweet.

Church this morning was interesting, it's a new church from the last time I came here. They don't have instruments to sing with, which kinda makes me sad, the message was good, however. This is a bit of encouragement I was able to take away from today's sermon:

When difficulties come out way,

 let's face them with faith and prayer.

I settled in a little more to my new home. I am horrible with transitions and new things. I like patterns and routines. I knew moving out here would be a world of changes, a new house, two kids instead of one, no one I know... I knew it would push me emotionally and spiritually and that's okay, I am slowly learning how to break out of boxes I have put myself in and adapt to new things. So heading into this week, my goal is to find a new routine, one that works for the little girls, works for Lisa and works for me.  Oh, and take pictures....

Grace on Grace

Grace. Sometimes I forget that it is more than a name and even though it is my name, I have never really done any research into what grace actually means. For as long as I can remember, I've flinched every time someone uses the word grace while reading the Bible and during any song that has the word grace (yes, especially Amazing Grace). For the past week or so it has come up more than a couple times - I am far from being gracious, graceful or full of grace... Yet my name is a constant reminder every time I check my Facebook or email and countless other times during the day.

So a very little bit of looking around tonight and I found this:

"Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-- it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." ~Ephesians 2:3-9

Titus 2:11

There are countless definitions on the word, based on noun, verb, blah, blah, blah. But skimming through some of the in depth definitions, here is one of my favorites: 

"Simple elegance or refinement of movement." (this is the very first Google definition) All I can do is think of me tripping on my own feet and yes, perhaps some of the ninja like saves on the slippery porch, but not a whole lot of this grace happening... Under that definition is also "Courteous goodwill and an attractively polite manner of behaving" Hahahahaha, only sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly diplomatic...

Pinterest gave me far more than I could ever sift through on the word Grace, it was hard to narrow it down to just one, but I did it!  Okay, after I weeded past all the Grace Kelly quotes and such... 

Receive grace, 

Live grace,

Show grace, 

Repeat...

So I have a lot to work on, I think I *maybe* just maybe might have the bare foundation, but I know for sure....I want to live out my name. I want to grow. I want to be grace.

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Solo Adventure

Yesterday, I drove. No true destination. GPS-less. Spontaneous. For those who do not know me well, that is a rarity. I am a planner. I plan routes based on left hand turns and not taking the same road a lot. But not yesterday. I was in need of peace, a time to recharge my introverted side after a social weekend. I was in need of finding nature and painting inspirations.

Through forests, up hills, with sun in my eyes and windows rolled down, I drove. I fell in love with the mountains, the leaf-less trees mixed with evergreens, the lakes and rives, even the pot-hole filled roads. I enjoyed the challenge of not getting lost, of trying new roads and finding new places.

While in Tennessee, I would purposely leave the house in search of nature, since it was so different from here and yesterday I realized that I need to keep doing that. There is so much of Washington that I can explore.

I can't wait for the roadside stands to open up, until the tulips and daffodils bloom and when watching the sunset doesn't freeze me completely. 

I highly recommend adventuring. Both solo AND with friends. It was such a refreshing time. A thoughtful time. A quiet time... It's what we all need sometimes. 

The Things I Learn- Number 3

So I'm home. It is a little more overwhelming of a transition than I anticipated. The house is smaller than I remembered.

The other night, we had eight people over in addition to my family of eight. I felt weird all evening and finally figured out it was because there were an overwhelming amount of conversations going on at the same time and I wasn't used to it.

The next morning, I had no voice. That gave me perspective on just how quiet it was in Tennessee.