Respect for Motherhood

I honestly don't know how moms do it and this week has made me respect motherhood so much more. I was sitting on the stairs, the baby crying... Okay, screaming.... in her crib upstairs too stubborn to sleep, even though she was exhausted. I was beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed.

A pile of laundry on the stairs waiting for me to take it up. Toys scatter across the hall and throughout the living room. The dishes barely done before lunch dishes begin to pile up. A partially eaten banana, an open applesauce, the remains of her morning bottle sit on the table above the thrown fruit pieces and puffs on the floor... Oh, and there's food on my shirt that Elena spit back out....

How do they do it all? How do mothers do it? I don't have to put on laundry, give baths or put them to sleep at night or a multitude of other things (birth included). My job is infinitely easier than being a mom. So to all mother's out there: props to you and keep up the hard work, I believe you are doing the hardest job in the world. You're an inspiration.

Remember

Remember the many voices of young and old singing praises to God in the warm summer evenings?
Remember the hours spent late at night searching the clouds for the twinkling of stars?
Remember the serious conversations squeezed between mid-afternoon activites.
Remember the tears when the end of the week came and we had to part.
Remember the lessons we learned.
Oh, these were some of my very favorite days. <3

Quite the Tuesday

It's been quite the week for it only being Tuesday. I am truly exhausted. I'm trying to have a good attitude and will probably cut my personal time down to get more sleep tonight.

Elena is having issues. She flat out refuses to drink the milk from the fridge and is now getting to the point where she just straight up refuses to drink from a bottle. It's purely a stubbornness issue. She's stubborn about eating other baby food and is now throwing other food on the ground. So she is grouchy because she's hungry, wobbly and falling over because she's hungry, not sleeping much because she's hungry. She's also having some bottomly troubles (if you get my drift), which also makes her grumpy. Anyway, it all makes me worried because the milk and the baby food are her only source of calories between 6-6...

Elsa, on the other hand, talks non-stop. No, literally non-stop. She enjoyed singing at the top of her lungs, 'reading' stories out loud and having tea parties. She also has a knack for needing my help during a strategic moment with Elena...

I'm still finding good things every day and I know I'm in a serious transition phase, but prayer would most definitely be appreciated as I figure out this new routine with these girls. Especially that Elena would start drinking from the bottle again...

An Interesting Day

Today was the first full day nannying this year. I've had a few part days and helped out a lot for the remainder of the time, but this was the first time la mother was gone and I had the munchkins.

One word to sum up my day? Poop. Do I need to explain? Nope. I really don't. I "handled" it. Get it? Was that enough of a hint. Anyway, a lot of diaper changing, a baby and toddler both mad at me at the same time. A few attitude issues. Stubbornness over a bottle and nap time. And baby carrier back aches.

Sounds like a rough day, right? Well, amid those little annoyances, there were baby snuggles, giggles and laughter, a tidy house that lasted all of four minutes, toy playing and lots of talks. And I was able to laugh off a lot of the issues as being entertaining or found success in them when I made corrections and said child listened and responded. Plus best friend conversations.

And some hashtags to go along with my life:
#NotMyKidNotMyParentingMistake #keeptinyhumansalive #Practiceparenting  #anotherpoopydiaper #didIgetdressedtoday? #Itstooquiet #mykidswillbeperfectthankstothispractice

Routines and Habits

One of my goals for 2018 is to make good routines and habits. Real, lasting ones.

The last couple years I've spent a lot of time on social media or watching dumb videos on Youtube. I stopped reading and writing. Last year, I became so busy with life that I didn't spend as much time watching things, but still found a way of wasting my remaining time on social media.

I'm forming habits of making my bed right when I leave it, keeping my clothes more organized and tidying my room daily. By washing my face more before bed and taking a few minutes to look out of my bedroom window to the sky....

We're just 27 days into the year, but already I've seen some progress. I've started writing again. I've taken time to do more push ups and created a push up goal. I've faithfully written in my journal every day, which literally has never happened for more than two or so weeks in the past. I've started a devotion book. I now have a reading list. I only have six titles on it, mostly non-fiction, which is new to me. But I'd love your book suggestions!

Anyway, routines and habits are happy to me. I like seeing progress. The pages of a book being turned over or pages of a notebook filled with scribbles of day to day life. 

Introvert vs. Volleyball

So Facebook recently showed an event I found interesting. Adult co-ed volleyball at a local community center. Basically for $5, I could play over 1-2 hours of volleyball twice a week until I come home. Tonight, I was free for the first time. But I was scared. Almost too scared to go. I talked myself into the idea of not going. I was worried the group would be overly competitive and I would make an idiot of myself. I do desperately need to work on my front plays. I was worried I would be super rusty from not playing for five months... Worried that it would be awkward going alone. Worried that I wouldn't be in good enough shape to keep up with the game....

I knew I would rationalize not going. I've been pushing myself lately. Do new things. Meet new people. Break boxes and facing fears (no matter how small)  has been something I've been working on for a little over a year. So I went. Driving and praying. By myself. To a place I've never been to before. With strangers.

I had fun. Turns out, I was the second best player on the court (not to toot my own horn). It was low key, non-competitive and everyone had fun. It was still a good practice and workout, but nothing compared to the high speed summer games I'm used to. I hope that my work schedule allows for me to go a few more times over the new few months....

My 'Work' Day

I've been back in Tennessee for two weeks. My 'work' days consist of changing diapers, doing dishes (sometimes), sitting on the ground playing with Duplo, drinking imaginary tea, catching the baby before she eats somethings disgusting from the ground, reading stories, baby and toddler snuggles and making kid food. There are sticky fingers, un-swept floors and always a scattering or more of toys everywhere.

The most used word around here? No. No, Elena, don't go in the bathroom. No. No, no pantry, no touching that outlet, the laptop, the cords. No, please don't eat that old piece of strawberry of the floor that Elsa dropped and never picked up. No, don't growl like that...No, don't climb on the stairs. The list goes on. With mischievous looks and eagerly crawling back to whatever forbidden thing or area, I'm kept pretty busy.

This Home

Sunday. Church. It was 12 degrees when we left this morning. There was no way I was going to brave a dress. I did however wear my hair curly, makeup and earrings for the first time in a week. That got me thinking. I've been back in Tennessee for a six days. Less than a week.

Usually, the first week is awkward, a transition of getting into routine and knowing where my place is. This time, I pulled Lisa's car into the garage and stepped inside feeling like it was home. I knew where I stood. My room smelled like the apple candle a friend gave me. My clothes were folded or hung in the closet where I had left them. My books and art were untouched, exactly where I had left them six weeks earlier.

I've felt very little homesickness. Still, there's the ache of missing my siblings and the friends I saw absurd amounts of when I was home. I've texted a lot this week trying to keep caught up with everyone. But compared to past times, the homesickness isn't too bad. This is home after all...

Today was pretty darn near perfect. After Church came lunch. Then naps. Even I took a 2 hour nap, which is rare for me, as is texting past 1 in the morning... I watched the girls before dinner while Samuel and Lisa went shopping. We finished a 3 hour long movie we started last night. We played a game of Carcassonne while eating a fairly odd dinner of sushi, buffalo chicken dip and brie bites. We had serious conversations while making cookies and played another game while eating them. Sigh. This home is home.

Tennessee Snows and a DIY Sled

Last night I was up late. I painted, wrote, journaled and kept checking out the window to see if the rain had turned to snow. It was still 61 degrees when I went to bed and pouring rain. There was literally water running down the road. When I woke up, I felt a bit like a kid as I checked the weather outside. That water had iced over and a dusting of snow was covering everything. 27 degrees... Lisa left in the morning to pick Samuel up from the airport and I was glad she did it early because it continued to snow for the majority of the day. We have a good 4 inches of snow now. 

Anyway, this evening, Samuel and I looked up DIY sleds and as I looked down the list. The majority were cardboard with duct tape or garbage bags, bin lids. What else could we use? Pillows in garbage bags? Then I saw air mattresses. It reminded me of camp so much, waterslides and sledding, not too different, right? So Samuel sat on the kitchen floor for the next 15-20 minutes blowing air into the twin sized air mattress. Because all the air pumps are in OK. I got Elsa bundled up. Tall socks that went to her knees. Snowpants. Gloves...  

Perks of having a hill for a driveway. It was pretty cold, very dark and still snowing. I love the way the sky turns pink when it snows and the sparkles of snow when light hits it. Elsa loved sledding or sleighing as she called it. 

Passport

Getting a passport was on my list of things to do in 2017. I've always wanted a passport. The ability to travel anywhere appealed to me. The idea of stamping it with locations, seeing new things... But it was never urgent, so I just didn't get to it until November. Plans foiled as I set up an interview appointment and it got canceled. And then I didn't have a car, so I had to wait until I was back in Washington... And then busyness...

When I left Tennessee before the holidays, Lisa gave me a beautiful leather passport case. She has always encouraged me to travel. So before 2018 hit, I had the application completed, interview done and the packet was in the mail.

Two days before I flew, my very first passport arrived in the mail.

For now, domestic flights. But dreams and planning will eventually happen. Top of the list? Iceland. I want to see the black sand beaches, hike to waterfalls. See the Northern Lights and stars. Elephant Rock. After that? Who knows, cruises, Europe.... 

Growing Baby

My thoughts on coming home for December: oh, 6 weeks, not that long. I mean, Elena might have teeth, but not much else will have changed. During my first day back: what was I thinking? Over a month? So much has changed. Wait, where'd she go?

Elena's gotten crazy fast at crawling. She was only pushing herself backwards when I left. Now she pulls herself to stand next to furniture, toys and other stuff. She's so fast. Also, still in the stage where she puts EVERYTHING into her mouth, so the next few months will be a lot of chasing her around, sweeping floors and training her to sleep in her crib....

Lisa was saying there should be a workout on our fitness apps called "chasing a child." She's not wrong. Calories will be burned. :-D

WA -> OK -> TN

In November, I offered to fly into Oklahoma to travel with Lisa and the girls up to Tennessee. I wasn't sure if she'd take me up on my offer, but the next week, I had a ticket flying me to Lawton, OK....

Yesterday, I left for the airport at 9am with Dad. Security was a breeze. I didn't have to take off my shoes or remove my laptop from my backpack. Medal detectors instead of the full body scanners. It was fast, although I felt remarkably like one of the mice mindlessly running the course to get to the end...

Anyway, the first flight was fine. I watched a movie and actually chatted with the guy next to me. We were both interested in leadership, so it was an easy conversation. Ahem, introvert... and breaking boxes! :-D :-P

The second flight from Dallas/Fort Worth was delayed, changed gates three times and had me exhausted. They had overbooked, so they wouldn't assign seats until AFTER people had volunteered to fly out the following morning... Finally got to Oklahoma, the tiniest airport I'd ever seen. Family was waiting, so hung out and then slept. 

6am. Wake up and pack the 4Runner. 7:30, Lisa started driving. 9:00 I took over driving. Drive. Drive. Drive. Hours later, at noon-ish, we stopped to gas up and grab food. My day? Something like this: 

Driving. Baby screaming. Baby sleeping. Continuing to drive. Getting sleepy. Baby screaming... Repeat. For 11 hours. 

Pulling up to the Tennessee house at 7pm, I felt relief. We were home. We were home safely. Home. I'm so content to be here. 

What states did we travel through? Up through Oklahoma, through Missouri, took literally a ridiculous 5-7 minute drive through Illinois to get to Kentucky. Then over and town to Tennessee... 

From the picture below, we started out on this weird, 2 lane highway. It was getting dark and there was a lot of fog. It seemed not super well traveled, although I had two semis in front of me. Then all of a sudden we turned this sharp corner and went over this massive, pretty narrow bridge. In the fog, it felt a little queasy in my opinion... The Mississippi River and that took us up onto that little bit of land between that river and the Ohio River. Second bridge and we were into Kentucky. What a crazy bit to the drive. 

Washington in December

45 days. Almost 6 and a half weeks. That's how long I was home. My calendar went from very little scheduled to meeting up over 33 times with friends and out of town family... How crazy is that. Along with that came CAP work, grocery shopping, holiday baking, appointments, even getting sick.

Highlights? (in chronological order)

Taking some desperately needed self-care/me time. Fort Casey with paints. It was lovely.

Photo shoot with this girl. Working through things together and growing. Constantly growing. Eating good foods and drinking good coffee. :-D

Derping around with old CAP cadets and siblings...  

Exploring Fort Flagler. Drift wood talks, ferry rides, dark corridors... 

Seeing my Little Fuji Family again. 

Going to the Seattle Aquarium with the Jamieson Family. Driving around Seattle, being with Mr. and Mrs. J as they saw Pike Place for the first time... 

Going to Leavenworth with Nick and Jane. It felt like a true escape. 

Anyway, this break may have had it's rough moments, but overall, I'm thankful for the time I got to spend here in Washington. 

I'm Not Okay Now, But I will Be...

Me: I really am okay.
Friends: No you're not....
Me: I mean I will be okay. I'm not okay now, but I will be.
Friends: I know you will.

This conversation is one I've had probably five or six times in the last week. And I will find ways to cope with what's going on. I may be a wreck right now or when I talk about it, but I am learning. To control my anger. To watch my words. To not let people put the blame on me. To never give up my mama bear instincts.  To turn to God. To keep loving, even if respect or trust is gone.  I am finding things to be thankful for in every day. I'm determined not to let situations destroy my life. I am finding ways to cope. So, I'm not okay now, but I will be. I really will.

New Year's Day

Well, New Year's Day could have been better, yet it also could have been worse. In our family, New Year's Day is celebrated with gifts and family time, food and more food. Much like other people's Christmas traditions.

I was up first. I usually am. Not just because of the gifts waiting in the living room. The gifts this year were simplified, but still, I was excited. I poured a lot of time and energy into researching awesome gifts for the family. Nope, I have a hard time sleeping past 8:30... Anyway, I enjoy the sweet morning time before everyone gets up. But yesterday was different. A note sat waiting on the kitchen counter. No greeting or closing. Cold. A note saying she would be gone for a few days. Tears from me. Angry, hurting tears. 

She wasn't going to try being with the family. It was frustrating and selfish. Logistically, the pressure of making dinner now fell completely on me to oversee and cook instead of just cooking and sharing the responsibility for the meal. The responsibility to give the gifts to people and to explain gifts also fell to me.

After a good cry and talking to Rose, we turned the day around. We gave gifts, we cooked and played. We still are a family, no matter what. We made an AMAZING meal. We had fun and didn't let what's going of affect our day.

Rose and I drove the Little Fuji Family to the airport that night, but it wasn't a sad goodbye, I see them again in six days.