Rain

Rain: somewhat of a rarity in comparison to Washington. The rain is coming down outside. I can hear the drops hit the window to slide down. It is a glorious sound. I'm lying in bed, thankful for the roof above me. Clean sheets and warm blankets. Fully content with life right now.

Ordinary

Yesterday, I made myself a cup of coffee. I turned on my Thumbprint station on Pandora and got to cleaning. It felt good to clean. Sometimes I feel overly lazy. It was one of those days however, that I stayed in my pajamas until the evening... Can't have it all. :-P

I went out last night to play volleyball. Driving through the snow/rain that had been falling for a few hours and was starting to accumulate. Turns out they only do volleyball on Tuesdays and hadn't updated their Facebook. Fine by me. I needed to stop off and get watercolor paper anyway. Still a bit of socializing and being in the busyness of Walmart made my cabin fever cease up a bit.

Today was a half day, strange, but nice after the week. I'm working a minimum of 11 hour days in combination with staying up way to late because of the time change and that's the only way to really get to chat with people. So no wonder I'm a bit tired.

Anyway, glad it's the weekend. It should be fun. It's been fun already, drawing with Elsa, painting the afternoon away while watching a movie. Looking at retro style clothes and wishing I could buy them. Writing and reading... Fabric shopping and then dinner with Lisa and the girls. Leadership, training and personality type conversation with Lisa, which was fascinating. Strangely, it made me want to take leadership classes...

Routines and Habits

One of my goals for 2018 is to make good routines and habits. Real, lasting ones.

The last couple years I've spent a lot of time on social media or watching dumb videos on Youtube. I stopped reading and writing. Last year, I became so busy with life that I didn't spend as much time watching things, but still found a way of wasting my remaining time on social media.

I'm forming habits of making my bed right when I leave it, keeping my clothes more organized and tidying my room daily. By washing my face more before bed and taking a few minutes to look out of my bedroom window to the sky....

We're just 27 days into the year, but already I've seen some progress. I've started writing again. I've taken time to do more push ups and created a push up goal. I've faithfully written in my journal every day, which literally has never happened for more than two or so weeks in the past. I've started a devotion book. I now have a reading list. I only have six titles on it, mostly non-fiction, which is new to me. But I'd love your book suggestions!

Anyway, routines and habits are happy to me. I like seeing progress. The pages of a book being turned over or pages of a notebook filled with scribbles of day to day life. 

Introvert vs. Volleyball

So Facebook recently showed an event I found interesting. Adult co-ed volleyball at a local community center. Basically for $5, I could play over 1-2 hours of volleyball twice a week until I come home. Tonight, I was free for the first time. But I was scared. Almost too scared to go. I talked myself into the idea of not going. I was worried the group would be overly competitive and I would make an idiot of myself. I do desperately need to work on my front plays. I was worried I would be super rusty from not playing for five months... Worried that it would be awkward going alone. Worried that I wouldn't be in good enough shape to keep up with the game....

I knew I would rationalize not going. I've been pushing myself lately. Do new things. Meet new people. Break boxes and facing fears (no matter how small)  has been something I've been working on for a little over a year. So I went. Driving and praying. By myself. To a place I've never been to before. With strangers.

I had fun. Turns out, I was the second best player on the court (not to toot my own horn). It was low key, non-competitive and everyone had fun. It was still a good practice and workout, but nothing compared to the high speed summer games I'm used to. I hope that my work schedule allows for me to go a few more times over the new few months....

Reflection and Projection

The highlights of 2017 were way outnumbered by the lowlights, but I wouldn't change it for anything. The personal growth I've made this year wouldn't have been possible without the challenging times. I've learned (and am learning) to rely on God more, people less and to cultivate my relationship with Him. I'm learning to control my anger - anger management has always been one of my big weaknesses, so it's a hard one. I'm learning to apologize when I do things that are inconsiderate, rude or straight up wrong. I had my first taste of jealousy and saw what happens when I overthink. I learned the importance of communication, of being vulnerable and of just listening to hear, not speak. I faced things I was afraid to do. I took a class by myself, which, until this year, I had never been brave enough to do... All this, just a snippet of what I'm learning...

In 2018, I want to continue growing and learning. I want to face some fears, break boxes I've put myself in and fight for what's right. I want to learn how to be empathetic. I want to be strong, physically, mentally and spiritually. I need to learn to keep calm during conflict. To cry when I need to and then press on. I'm determined to smile more through the hard times. I want to be filled with grace. My goal for 2018 is to grow.

The Sky

 11:30, ready to head to bed, even walking there. The twenty something steps from the house to my room. Carefully watching the slippery, ice covered wood of our porch, but once safely past that, my eyes lift to the sky. They do every night, cloudy or clear, always hoping to see the stars twinkling in the blackest of nights. The sky gives me perspective. It is full of memories, happy and not, full of tears, of laughter, of conversations with God. Some nights when I look up to cloud filled skies, I know what hides behind them. 

Last night, I grabbed a blanket and went out to the cul-de-sac. Within five freezing minutes, where my shoes were freezing to the ground and my face felt like an ice cube, I watched the sky. For the two brilliant meteors that I did see, it was worth it.  

Painting at the Fort

Adventured alone today. I needed the recharge time. Since I've been home, the pace has been crazy and exhausting. 

I dropped Evelyn off at school. The sunrise was stunning and made me want to wake up early and see more glorious mornings with pink skies behind snow capped mountains. I've missed those views.

The drive to Fort Casey was relaxing with the few exceptions of annoying drivers who didn't know how to read a speed limit sign *insert minor road rage and name calling here*. Hardly anyone was at the park for the first hour or so while I was there, so I wandered about taking pictures and walking the beach admiring the rocks in complete silence. Almost too quiet. I had to make myself walk the dark tunnels. I am far too used to a crowd at the fort.

Only car in the parking lot

 I thought it would be too cold for painting, but settled down atop the fort and painted away with my favorite chai tea to give it a try. I sat there a while, painting and admiring the Olympic mountains.

Basic down, just need to add the details.

Chowder on a dock in La Conner, browsing my favorite jewelry store, reading poetry and listening to music with the windows down. It was a much needed day. 

December

9 days home. Nine sets of people visited - groups, individuals and families. I thought I was doing just great as far as how short a time six weeks is. Then I laid out my schedule for the month of December...

Between holiday baking, catching up with friends, two Christmas concerts, family coming into town, other family coming into town, traveling to Canada, attending a ball and the holidays in general, it's pretty crazy!

Living Life

The last week or so I found myself counting down days until I go home, days before the weekend and even hours before Lisa got home. This time out in Tennessee has been challenging, it's been super hard emotionally and harder with the girls than I anticipated.

Don't get me wrong, there have been tons of amazing parts and sweet moments with the nieces that none of their other aunts get with them.  I know I am right where I'm supposed to be right now. Anyway, I don't want to think about my future and not live the life I have now. I want to cherish each little moment, each battle over naps or cleaning up and each snuggle and adventure.

So live this moment to its fullest. Take time to appreciate the wonderful times and time to reflect and learn from the challenging ones.

Thoughts and Feelings

I've been in Tennessee for twenty-seven days and I thought by now, the homesickness would have faded. I'm in a good routine here with the girls now and while I know I'm doing good work and a lot of work, I feel like I'm doing the same thing with no variance. Routine, right? Well, I'm not doing enough to inspire or push myself like I do in Washington.

That with the addition of feeling very lonely is not exactly my favorite combination. I feel out of touch with people, like there are only so many topics you can cover through text and only so few real emotions and social cues you can pick up on in texts. Am I right? Or is that just another weird me thing.

This lack of socializing has also thrown me back into some of my anxieties and insecurities in that area. Ones that I have to face with prayer. Prayer that my brain doesn't over analyze things or trick me into believing something that isn't true.

8,765 Days

That's how long I've been breathing on this earth. A few months ago seeing that number would make me feel old, like I was behind schedule in life, that I should be better than I am. Not now. I am where I'm supposed to be, picking away at the life God's given me, cherishing little moments, working through hard ones and constantly clinging to Him through it all. Now I look at that number and think of all the wonderful things I can remember, the good, the bad and everything in between.

Twenty-three was a hard year. There were family issues, friendship issues, personal issues and so many changes (which I'm not great at). I have never cried so much that I didn't have tears, never driven so many miles to clear my head, never talked to people I barely know about my intimate problems. Yet amid these trials, I found peace. I found growth which I was longing for. I became closer to God. So as much as this time was really challenging, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

My hope is that being twenty-four would:
~bring more challenges and chances to grow
~help me face my fears
~draw me closer to the Lord
~bring more adventures and travels
~bring more forgiveness, empathy and laughter
~bring clarity for career choices and my future
~bring more star gazing nights
~be a strong year for friendships
~give me more chances to check things off my bucket list
~bring peace

Sunday and Transitions

Today was backwards from my normal Sunday schedules. Washington Sundays consist of Church, lunch with friends, volleyball or game nights, or hangouts with friends. Tennessee Sundays are quiet days with Church, preparations for the week, long naps, then dinner, conversations and getting ready to face the work week. Both are so different, but both are sweet.

Church this morning was interesting, it's a new church from the last time I came here. They don't have instruments to sing with, which kinda makes me sad, the message was good, however. This is a bit of encouragement I was able to take away from today's sermon:

When difficulties come out way,

 let's face them with faith and prayer.

I settled in a little more to my new home. I am horrible with transitions and new things. I like patterns and routines. I knew moving out here would be a world of changes, a new house, two kids instead of one, no one I know... I knew it would push me emotionally and spiritually and that's okay, I am slowly learning how to break out of boxes I have put myself in and adapt to new things. So heading into this week, my goal is to find a new routine, one that works for the little girls, works for Lisa and works for me.  Oh, and take pictures....

Grace on Grace

Grace. Sometimes I forget that it is more than a name and even though it is my name, I have never really done any research into what grace actually means. For as long as I can remember, I've flinched every time someone uses the word grace while reading the Bible and during any song that has the word grace (yes, especially Amazing Grace). For the past week or so it has come up more than a couple times - I am far from being gracious, graceful or full of grace... Yet my name is a constant reminder every time I check my Facebook or email and countless other times during the day.

So a very little bit of looking around tonight and I found this:

"Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-- it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." ~Ephesians 2:3-9

Titus 2:11

There are countless definitions on the word, based on noun, verb, blah, blah, blah. But skimming through some of the in depth definitions, here is one of my favorites: 

"Simple elegance or refinement of movement." (this is the very first Google definition) All I can do is think of me tripping on my own feet and yes, perhaps some of the ninja like saves on the slippery porch, but not a whole lot of this grace happening... Under that definition is also "Courteous goodwill and an attractively polite manner of behaving" Hahahahaha, only sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly diplomatic...

Pinterest gave me far more than I could ever sift through on the word Grace, it was hard to narrow it down to just one, but I did it!  Okay, after I weeded past all the Grace Kelly quotes and such... 

Receive grace, 

Live grace,

Show grace, 

Repeat...

So I have a lot to work on, I think I *maybe* just maybe might have the bare foundation, but I know for sure....I want to live out my name. I want to grow. I want to be grace.

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Solo Adventure

Yesterday, I drove. No true destination. GPS-less. Spontaneous. For those who do not know me well, that is a rarity. I am a planner. I plan routes based on left hand turns and not taking the same road a lot. But not yesterday. I was in need of peace, a time to recharge my introverted side after a social weekend. I was in need of finding nature and painting inspirations.

Through forests, up hills, with sun in my eyes and windows rolled down, I drove. I fell in love with the mountains, the leaf-less trees mixed with evergreens, the lakes and rives, even the pot-hole filled roads. I enjoyed the challenge of not getting lost, of trying new roads and finding new places.

While in Tennessee, I would purposely leave the house in search of nature, since it was so different from here and yesterday I realized that I need to keep doing that. There is so much of Washington that I can explore.

I can't wait for the roadside stands to open up, until the tulips and daffodils bloom and when watching the sunset doesn't freeze me completely. 

I highly recommend adventuring. Both solo AND with friends. It was such a refreshing time. A thoughtful time. A quiet time... It's what we all need sometimes. 

The Things I Learn- Number 3

So I'm home. It is a little more overwhelming of a transition than I anticipated. The house is smaller than I remembered.

The other night, we had eight people over in addition to my family of eight. I felt weird all evening and finally figured out it was because there were an overwhelming amount of conversations going on at the same time and I wasn't used to it.

The next morning, I had no voice. That gave me perspective on just how quiet it was in Tennessee.